A lot on my mind

There is so much I want to write right now. I feel like puking a million words to feel a little lighter.

My father is sick. Very sick. He’s in Israel and I am not there to suppot him. I feel the distance like a great big hole separating us and every day I make an effort to make this hole into a bridge and to see the way I am connected to him instead of thinking about the actual distance.

I decided a good way of being with him is to write to him right now, and hope he is feeling these words in his soul.

Well, obviously, dad, I do not want you to go anywhere. I selfishly want you to stick around and see my children grow, because they are a part of me and I know how much you love me, so I just think about the love you have for them. And how perfect it is to see the people you love enjoy each other.  I also just really love you and love seeing you. I love listening to you talk, even now, that it’s not so clear, because your mind is so sharp. I have always admired your intelligence and your kindness so I’d like for you to stick around and keep doing good deeds that make people around you so happy.

Dad, you taught  me to be strong and yet sensitive. To try to get what i want and what i need but to pay attention to the people and places on my way. To cherish people and to try to help the ones who ask for help. So I am going to try my hardest to do just that.

I am also learning from your mistakes. I am learning to say how I feel to the people around me. I am learning to distress as much as possible and I am changing my lifestyle and my diet because I want to be strong both emotionally and physically. This is not just for fun this is for life. I really enjoy life and I want to live it to the fullest.

I would love it if you stick around and see the changes in me. I really miss you and  hope to be around you soon. I really pray you get better and come to visit us. We can enjoy a little traveling together.

(I also want to let you know that I forgive you )

Breath deep. Love you.

Me.

Airport Hell, Mind Heaven

I am home, my first home, my parents’ home in Israel. I know I’m home because I’m wearing men’s underwear, and I feel totally comfortable. I slept till 1:30pm and was woken up by my mom, telling me food was ready (a fully prepared, wonderful vegan meal). I’m home.

It wasn’t easy to get here. In fact, this has been the most challenging airport experience to date. I feel like I was on hold for few days now, away from my husband and children and not at my destination. I feel like I was tested for my acceptance and my patience, for going with the flow without fighting the current. If I had to give myself a score I would say I totally passed ; )

I even made a list of good things that happened to me at the Rome airport yesterday because I wanted to be grateful for what I have and not think about everything that went wrong. I was stuck there for about twelve hours. The Italians were not very helpful and still..I was OK

Here is my list:

• Cappuccino is good! (not vegan, I know, but good)
• I am in a safe place with a lot of security
• My legs are strong and carry me well
• I got to nap on my previous flight
• I was able to find a spot with free wifi, my iPod was fully charged and I was able to communicate with my husband as to what I needed from him and tell my mom I wasn’t on the plane
• I had a great book to read
• I stayed peaceful 95% of the time
• I noticed my emotions as they were passing and was able to deal with them well
• I had wipes and make up with me and was able to clean up well
• I enjoy listening to Italians speak their language
• A nice girl shared her magazine with me
• People dress very well around here, I got a lesson in fashion
• The same girl who shared her magazine also bought me Italian beer (how nice????)

and there’s probably more…

I don’t want to tell you about my “horrors”, because I’m sure we all go through difficulties. Sometimes it seems like it might never end, but it always does. Always! It’s more important to find happy spots when you are in “hell” because I don’t really believe we’re ever in “hell”. If we pay attention and see the truth, then we can notice the good things, that alone, makes us feel a whole lot better.

I’m definitely happy to be out of my airport “hell” but I knew it would pass, and I tried to make the best of it. And now I am happy and proud of myself for rising to the challenge and passing my little test. I enjoyed the small moments of joy in a not so wanted situation. I’m Home.

 

Change of Plans

Wow…it’s been a while, and life keeps happening…the days go by, time keeps moving and we keep changing.

Everything I was planning was changed in the last few days, and I was forced to deal with reality. Everything changes every second. That’s reality. If I expect things to go as I plan them to, I am detached. I realize it, and I am OK with it. I actually enjoy being tested for my patience, for my ability to accept things and be flexible, for my ability to remain calm and not to create storms inside of me.

I am actually happy with how I am dealing with changes lately. I am happy because when I look back at moments when things don’t go as planned I just find a different route. I guess I now understand why it is so important to have equanimity. This word came up many times when I went to a ten day silent retreat. It’s called Vipassana meditation, and I did it many years ago. I still remember some of the lessons. I guess it stuck somewhere in my soul.

I see life like an ocean, and our feelings are the wind moving the waves. If we let our feelings blow too hard we will move the waves too hard and we might drown, or at least have hard time swimming, but if we just allow a constant breeze to blow and steer us in the right direction, we will get to our destination, even if we just float on our backs. Right? Our feelings can blow the water and create waves in the direction we want. If the water is calm we can swim as fast as we want or rest, but it is our choice. However, if the water is too wild, we will have such a hard time getting to our destination.

Am I even making any sense?

I realize how important it is for me to remain calm and to function well under stressful situations and unexpected events. Which happen all the time anyway. To everyone!

In the last few days I’ve been “stuck” in NY. I had a stand by ticket to Tel Aviv, but the flights are too full, so there’s no chance for me to get on the plane. But I’m far from stuck…my younger brother lives here and everything worked out perfectly. At the same time my flight departed without me, he was finishing up his shift in the same airport. We took a taxi to his house. The next day he finished work at 11am and we went to explore the city. My friend, who lives in the city, and who I talk to every couple of months, decided to call me just to ask how I was doing, and to her surprise discovered I was in her city. We met up with her too ; ) and then I was able to meet my brother in law for a late drink.

The next day I was on a small plane with my brother who is learning how to fly. It was an amazing experience, so full of emotions of pride and joy. Plus, being on that small plane for me was like meditation in the sky. It was awesome. So being stuck here has been incredible. So much fun in the last few days just because things didn’t go as planned.

It’s a Cliche, but it’s true: good things can happen from unpleasant experiences and we never really know what’s going to happen till it does. And everything happens for a reason. We just need to discover it.

Anyway, I’m learning my life lessons every day. Lots of them. Growing and changing all the time. And happy to share : )

Namaste

Life Changing Event

Five years ago my life was truly changed forever! My first baby was born. The birth alone tought me to be open for change and to accept things as they are. I remember myself during the whole pregnancy practicing my breathing and visualizing my wonderful birth. But the birth did not end like I expected. It wasn’t all natural and it wasn’t in a lovely birth center. It ended up in a hospital with pitocin and epidural : ( First lesson in acceptance.

Of course, the first three-quarters of Shalev’s birth were wonderful. My water broke at 2am on Saturday. I went to the birth center at 6am but was sent back because I was only 1-2 cm dilated. So I went home and did some walking and whatever else I could do. Then came back to the birth center in the afternoon and was only 4cm dilated. I stayed there with Josh and my mom, took few walks, few showers, bounced on the birth ball and sang songs. It was really happy and the pain did not bother me at all but after 25 hours the midwives decided I should go to the hospital. I refused and asked for more time so they gave me a couple more hours, but it wasn’t happening. So twenty-seven hours of hope were poured down the drain and THEN the pain started….which proved to me it was all in my mind. The minute my spirit was down the pain was unbearable.

And so I ended up in the hospital, but I was able to let it all go once Shalev was out. He looked like the cutest alien I have ever seen. His head was a perfect cone, lol and his eyes were huge!!!

When I got home I made a promise to him to be the best mom I could be. At first I did it because I knew it was my job, I didn’t really connect to him on a deep level. Day after day I would make sure he was happy, healthy and clean and slowly I began to experience what every mother experiences. The greatest love of all. The kind of love words cannot truly express.

There was only one problem: we were alone. Josh started working and my mom left. Shalev and I would spend our days playing and walking and shopping, but we didn’t have many friends. So I decided to open the doors to my heart and find us some friends. Until then, I was very scared and felt very different from everyone around me, mostly because I came from another country and I felt like I didn’t belong here, but Shalev changed that. He made me realize that without people around us we were just too lonely.  We needed love and we needed to play. I needed other moms and babies around. We needed to create a big family and it didn’t matter what walls or illusions I created before that about how different I was, and about how special my friends back home were, and how nobody in the whole world could replace them.

I realized Shalev and I were people and we needed people. So we found people : ) Today we have so many amazing people around us. And they do not replace anyone, they are wonderful on their own. Shalev made me drop all the BS and just open myself to true love of human kind. He made me and still makes me want to be better. He actually made me want to love myself a whole lot more too.

So here I am, a mother of three today and I truly feel like I’ve never loved or been loved so much before. And I really believe it all started when I gave birth to Shalev. He is my best teacher for all things emotional and he is a very emotionally intelligent kid. I LOVE him. And I love you ; )

Namaste!

 

Mother

Happy Mother’s Day!

Tomorrow I’m planning to just hang out with my favorite people. Nothing else. Every day I realize more how much I just want to be around them. To make it even better, I will not clean, or cook or do anything that will distract me from truly being with them and giving them my full attention. For mother’s day I promise myself to be an even better mom. To love my children just the way they are and to drop all expectations. I want to allow them to feel comfortable in their own skin. I think they are perfect and I want them to know that in their hearts and in their souls.

I want to set a good example, therefore I am working on loving myself more and more every day. I am learning to have more generosity and more compassion because that’s what’s really important in life. I want my kids to grow up and be full of love for themselves and everyone else. I want them to want to do what’s right because their hearts tell them to, not because someone else did. I want them to be happy and healthy. I want them to have respect for people and nature. I want to live all these things and be an example for my children.

So tonight I will just sit and meditate on focusing on these things, and making all of this a part of my life. Not just so I can have a better life , but so my kids can have that too.

I wish all you beautiful mothers what I wish for myself.

Love & Peace to you all.

May you always be the mothers you want to be.

Addiction

I’ve been slacking here…I know….but this place is for me anyway : ) I’m healing and sharing…right? Today I had a visit from my addiction friend. I walked into Starbucks this morning to buy some gift cards and the smell hit me so strongly!!!! Wow. All my senses were in full action and I wanted to get a cup of coffee so so badly. Luckily, I was on the phone with my mom and I guess I didn’t even notice the girl behind the counter taking orders (She was trying to help the cashier by speeding up the process) and when I noticed her I was telling myself that this was a very good sign….I got to the register asked for the gift cards, paid and left as fast as I could. Once I was out the door I took a big breath of relief. I was saved by my mom LOL and she didn’t even know it!

When is the addiction gone? Is it ever gone? Will I be able to be ok with one cup of coffee only on special occasions? Right now I just know that if I let myself fall and have one cup, the next day I must have another one….

This reminds me of the one time I went to a meeting of food addicts anonymous. I think it was not too long after I had my second daughter. I sat there and listened but had to get out of there at the end, and then when I got a call from one of the leaders I said I didn’t think it was for me.

I just can’t imagine having this strict relationship with food. I really just want food to be my friend. And I want to be able to snack sometimes. It sounded like I would be in food prison and I just couldn’t take it.  I’m not really addicted to food anyway, but at the time I thought I was.

I do know I am addicted to coffee and that’s why my voices talk to me so loud when I’m around it!!!

I guess time helps. Maybe I’ll never be able to have a cup of coffee again…maybe I will. We’ll wait and see….

Fear

Haven’t been writing much lately….to be completely honest with you I just allowed fear in and it completely took over. Once I let it take over I needed to fight it and make myself come back here to write instead of letting it go and letting it grow. You know, just like not calling grandma and every day that goes by you tell yourself it’s too late and that she will be too upset….so you avoid it! Not good.

Maybe not the best time to write when I’m feeling down (maybe the absolute best time to write). I have been eating vegan crap in the last few days. Just proved to myself that vegan can still be unhealthy. Instead of eating mostly raw vegetables and cook some meals I was eating mostly chips… some cooked meals and a little bit of fresh veggies. And boy, do I feel like crap. I also didn’t do as much yoga as I’m used to.

But I really think that sometimes I just need to feel like crap. Just feel completely upset and totally depressed, allow myself to dive deeper into the pain and really feel it so I can heal. Not saying I’m healed, but I am planning to eat a lot better this week. lots of shakes and juices to clean my body. Lots of yoga and practice some Thai yoga. Lots of breathing and relaxing, and a lot more patience with myself and my kids. I’m planning a better week!

I’m not going to get attached to any outcome just try to be happy and smile. I think deep down inside I’m also expecting to see more weight loss, even though I’m not doing this to lose weight. Talk about attachment….this is my real work. My whole life I’ve been trying to lose weight. It never mattered how healthy I would eat, all that mattered was to get skinny and fit the norm. At some point I actually stopped eating, and I really enjoyed the results of that. Of course, I was young, starving myself for a little while didn’t affect my health so much. It was so much more important to look good than to feel good, and even though I’m much older now and I just want to feel good, the skinny bug is so deeply engraved in me that it keeps crawling back in. I tell myself to stay away from scales, not to measure my success by how many pounds I lose. But hearing people telling me how much weight I lost makes me want to go back there and measure.

My body image is my lifelong work. And now more than ever I want to really love myself and my body so my kids can feel it and know it and maybe even learn from it. I want them to love themselves no matter how they look and how much they weigh. I also think I should throw away my scale (but then I can’t weigh my suitcases). I just need to detach myself from my weight and learn how to just love my body. Nourish it for health and vitality not so I can be skin and bones. I need a support group : ) Any volunteers? I bet at least 50% of women(and men) need a support group for that. right? probably even more.

Hope you guys have a great week. I’m going to do my best to concentrate on my health and loving myself. Hope you do too.

Namaste.

Flexibility

What a nice long weekend we had. Left our house on Thursday and drove to Orlando to be with our friends. Had a wonderful time…so much better than expected. We had privacy because we were staying in their guesthouse, surrounded by beautiful trees and so much nature, pretty surprising considering we were in the Orlando area. I was expecting the place to be more like south Florida but it was much greener, which made me very happy and much more relaxed.

The kids enjoyed their friends till late at night and then crashed, which was an added bonus the only thing that was really challenging for me was my specific food choices. I took a cooler with bunch of things because I knew It wasn’t going to be easy to find my type of food, so I cooked some meals, but being away from home and my incredibly packed refrigerator was not easy at all. I had to practice my flexibility. My mind flexibility. I had to flow and accept, and I think I did well because I wasn’t upset even once!!! I think about myself in the past (even few months ago) and I remember some harsh reactions to unexpected or unwanted situations….I would get angry! but this time instead of getting angry I got active and made things happen. I feel so proud of myself. It’s probably another reason the trip was so pleasant, I was flowing.

Funny how it all relates to yoga for me. Flexibility of body and mind….flowing…I guess the asanas are also helping with my mind. Maybe just the decision to be flexible is helping by itself. I don’t know but it’s all good.

I even visited Starbucks during the trip. I was afraid of myself. I am really addicted to coffee and even though I haven’t had it in two months I still think that if I have one cup I may fall off the deep end and drown….I really feel like that. So I ordered chocolate milk (soy). It was too sweet but it was nice. How on earth can people drink it with a shot of vanilla? I had to ask them specifically to keep the extra stuff out of it and it was still very sweet.

Anyway, I overcame a challenge and I feel great about it. I proved to myself I can live like this even when I’m on the road. I just have to be prepared. Next time we’re going there I’m taking a lot more food and I’m going to cook for everyone so they can enjoy my food too! I know we’ll go back. It was just sooooo good!!!

My next project is to start experimenting with new recipes. Also, does anyone have a good recipe for vegetable sushi with brown rice???? I love it and I have to learn how to make it. It seems simple.

Have a good week.

India

What a difference a day makes…I’m pretty sure it was hormonal sadness yesterday. It was very strange to be sad and not know why, but eventually I realized it. Then I went to teach my beautiful mommies-to-be and everything got better. Their energies and their babies energies are warm and loving and I get happier.

I watched a documentary movie about yoga last night. It’s called Enlighten Up. It was pretty good. I felt a little jealous when they went to India and talked to some of the Gurus. I wish I could go to India for a little while…maybe in ten years or so.

I actually traveled all over India in 2001 with few of my girlfriends. I stayed there for three months and enjoyed every second of it. It was a truly magical and meaningful experience, even though I wasn’t there for Yoga or meditation. The Place is full of incredible energies that you immediately feel better and more relaxed. It could also be the fact that I was free. I didn’t have a house and kids, no bills to pay, nothing to clean or carry except for my backpack and few toiletries. I didn’t have to cook. For three months I was as free as a bird (not a mommy bird, mommies have lots of responsibilities).

I remember seeing and talking to some gurus there and listening to people talk about their experiences in the Ashrams, I even thought about it, but I was there to just travel and didn’t want to get stuck in one place. Now I would want to try it and take my husband with me. But of course, I have to wait till my kids are much older.

We did actually go to an ashram once during our trip and stayed for a day and a half. It was in Kerala. The Ashram of Amma, the hugging saint. I did not like it at all. Actually, I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Maybe I was scared or just felt uncomfortable, like an outsider. Everyone there was following a schedule and were meditating so much. If I remember correctly, in the evening everyone went to a big hall and she was there. At the end everyone walked in a line to get a hug. It seemed to me like a cult and it bothered me so much.

Maybe if I ever go there again I won’t feel the same. I will also be more prepared mentally and emotionally for that kind of schedule, for the discipline of a strict diet, yoga and meditation. I mean, it’s all good, if that’s ones personal goal, but back then I was shocked.

Anyway, the movie brought back memories and I do hope one day I can go back to India and take Josh with me. I know it will be so different and I will definitely want to go to some ashrams and practice yoga and meditation. I am older and wiser today and I also have different goals in mind.

We really change a lot in ten years. We change every day, but ten years….WOW. Everything is different today, and it’s great. I love where I am and I get excited when I think about the changes. Don’t you feel that aging equals wisdom? I do. And not just mentally, but also emotionally and spiritually. Life is such an exciting journey.

Namaste.

Monday Blues

I don’t even know where to start today. Low energy and just kind of blue. Maybe it’s because I was up for a whole hour last night, or maybe because my little girl was complaining about her body hurting in different places (very interesting and freaky experience), maybe because I stopped breastfeeding and I miss my babies, maybe because my dad is sick and a lot of other people around me are sick too (and maybe because I’m sad now I’m getting into it too much).

Took myself shopping today, thought it might help, but it didn’t. I don’t feel like cooking or cleaning or doing anything really. And believe me, I’m not here to just complain…I’m hoping for some light or an answer to arrive as I’m writing these words.

Nothing yet….

Wait, I do have something nicer to share. I took a hot yoga class yesterday and had a small revelation/connection. As I was practicing I was feeling how my body was able to stretch a little more and hold a little better, but I was also noticing my mind being calmer and more stable, bringing itself back to neutral all the time.  As my thoughts wandered I  brought myself back to the present moment. I kept reminding myself to breath and smile and be present instead of thinking about things outside of the room. It was a good experience, mostly because I was able to observe myself and peel some layers. I went deeper into myself.

Then We went to the beach to do our weekly produce shopping and spent some time on the beach and in the water with friends. It was a great day. Sun, Nature, Yoga, breathing, family and friends!

But now….now I feel different and it’s ok. I don’t think I’m going to get an answer at the moment : ) I think I am just going to get up and get active. Maybe I’ll feel better if I get things done!

Namaste.